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In my last blog article I offered my own thoughts on Betrayal both from a self-help perspective as well as, on a spiritual level by showing the contrast between the bible story of the past and us now in the future when it comes to betrayal. I am no Psychologist but I know a bit about human behaviour through observation over the years as well as, unfortunately coming into contact with people who exhibit these negative traits. This week I offer information on Betrayal from three different authority figures:
Oprah Winfrey-American television host & Actress, Carol Juergenson-Life Coach, Dave Decker practicing psychologist.
Whenever I post articles on my blog I don’t go about it with the intention to make up stories, I have no need to. I usually speak from experience, experience I have gathered over the years. Some of the experiences I have had have been great others undeniable painful. However, I always make it my utmost priority to speak from my heart and my soul and to be honest with my readers. Some of the things I say may offend others, especially my recent article on betrayal. However, anyone though who takes offense to my article would probably do so because they are guilty of betrayal—Ouch! “why else would someone take offense to me speaking the truth?” Some people may say, “she is not been nice,” just because I am been frank and honest about betrayal? Come on now, betrayal is not nice, not nice at all so there is no way I will sugarcoat it for anyone. I am sorry it’s the truth. The only time someone will take offense to what I say, it’s because they are guilty of betrayal.
Part of what I said in my last blog article was that, sometimes you will find that the people who betray you come across or try to show to people around them that they are more caring and more loving than the people who they have betrayed. “How hypocritical is that?” You can’t betray someone no matter how big or small the betrayal is in your eyes, betrayal is betrayal and you hurt them that deeply and that painfully and then try to pass yourself off as a very loving and caring person, it doesn’t make any sense and it doesn’t hold any value or merit with me. The way I see it is when people are in relationships and they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore then tell the person you don’t want to be with them anymore. Or, if you want to betray someone out of greed, jealousy, or over a relationship—“Don’t do it!” It will not lead to anywhere. When people betray someone in a relationship basically what they want to do is, “Have their cake and eat it too.” Let me keep my partner at home while I go eat all the candy out there in the world, Yum, Yum!” Isn’t that deceitful, dangerous, hypocritical and sick for people to want to do this?”
Well, Dave Decker is a practicing psychologist who said the same thing I said in my last article. Dave said, HURTERS, USERS, BETRAYERS, and CONTROLLERS pretend to be kind, innocent, and caring. Bing! Bing! Bing! Light-bulb moment. Oh, Lord help me. Another thing Dave said that is important for you to remember and that is some people carry all four behaviours’ which is really bad. Many people in society today don’t know how to identify these people because it is so “Deceptively embedding in their Character.” With all due respect, sometimes we see these characteristics in a person but we are afraid to admit it, especially parents might see these negative traits in their own children but they turn a blind eye to it—because the truth is too painful for them. They can’t believe their own child is like that. My comment to that is, “Wake up and smell the Roses.” Your first step as a parent is to come out of denial, then confront your child and be honest with them. Let them know that their behaviour is not to be tolerated and if they continue on that path they will never, ever experience true happiness. Anyway, I can’t tell people how to govern their own children however, honesty between a parent and an adult child having these issues is the best way to go. Lay everything out on the table and let them see that their behaviour is destructive.
It is very difficult to spot people like these but you spot them because they always eventually show all the negative characteristics deep anger, control issues like nothing you have ever seen before—Control to the 10th Degree! Also intense opposition to your plans they will try to sabotage your dearest plans and try to stand in your way forever and cause endless delays—they want to control everyone around them, very dictatorial personality almost in a militaristic fashion. Another thing is that even if the person is not militaristic in their approach they will use "Extreme Resentment, anger and guilt” to delay you.
Let me just use myself as an example when it comes to “Control.” I have been having so much opposition to me going unto my new life after ending a 17 year marriage it is unbelievable! If I was a controlling person I would have been living in an apartment since last year with my two wonderful children. However, I have had so much opposition in the past year things have slowed me down, significantly. Anyway, I am on the road to where “God’s Grace will find me.” “Am I scared about the fact that I will be living on my own with my two children?” Sure I am, because it won’t be easy, but I have no choice. My home is finally on the market, thank God I don’t know when it will get sold but it will eventually. It took me a long time to reach this part of my journey, a long time and I am just sick and tired of the delays and the opposition and I don’t deserve to have that in my life because my temperament is never to stand in anyone’s way. Frankly, I just want everything to get completed so I can just go on with my new life, enough is enough yep! enough is enough.
Anyway, people who are HURTERS, USERS, BETRAYERS, and CONTROLLERS are extremely jealousy, they lack respect for anyone who stands in their way, very selfish, they have no shame as to who they hurt, no shame and sadly no remorse. They don’t care who they hurt, “If they are not happy, they don’t want you to be happy either.” What kind of way is that to treat someone? Only if they are happy then they are satisfied with life, “how selfish is that?”If there is something they want they will run over everyone, family, friends, the neighbour, the dog, yep! poor doggy, even the dog, anyone to get what they want. Another thing with these people they don’t like to “Forgive and Forget.” Nope! Asking them to Forgive is like asking them to jump off a bridge. Which reminds me, “if they are not willing to Forgive anyone how are they going to have a successful relationship with anyone for that matter? No, they can’t have a successful relationships with anyone because of their inability to forgive they have—No Tolerance Level—Their tolerance level is Zero.Forgiveness is extremely difficult for these people. This is another way to spot them.(Please see Dave’s thoughts below) also don’t forget to read my previous article on Betrayal see below.
O, The Oprah Magazine, Oprah
What I Know for Sure by Oprah Winfrey.
The first time it happened to me, I took to my bed and cried for 
three days. A member of my family who has since passed away had gone to Florida, headquarters for The National Enquirer, sat in a room, told them the story of my hidden shame—and left their offices $19,000 richer.
Only my family and closest friends knew. Even Gayle, who knew everything about me, wasn’t aware of my secret until several years into our friendship. The same is true for Stedman. I would tell no one until I felt safe enough to share my dark past: the years I was sexually abused, from age 10 to 14, my resulting promiscuity as a teenager, and finally, at 14, my becoming pregnant. I was so ashamed, I hid the pregnancy until my swollen ankles and belly gave me away. The baby died in the hospital weeks later.
I went back to school and told no one. My fear was that if I were found out, I would be expelled. So I carried the secret into my future, always afraid that if anyone discovered what had happened, they, too, would expel me from their lives. Even when I found the courage to publicly reveal the abuse, I still carried the shame and kept the pregnancy a secret.
The visit to the tabloids changed all that. I felt devastated. Wounded. Betrayed. How could this person do this to me?
I cried and cried. I remember Stedman coming into the bedroom that Sunday afternoon, the room darkened from the closed curtains. Standing before me, looking like he, too, had shed tears, he handed me the tabloid. And said, "I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this." When I dragged myself from bed for work on Monday morning (no matter what, the show rules), I felt beaten and scared. I imagined that every person on the street was going to point their finger at me and scream, "Pregnant at 14, you wicked girl…expelled!" No one said a word, though—not strangers, not the people I knew. I was shocked.
Nobody treated me differently.
For 20 years, I had been expecting a reaction that never came. And I soon realized that having the secret out was liberating. Not until then could I begin the repair work on my spirit for the sexual abuse and damage done to me as a young girl.
I realized that all those years, I had been blaming myself. What I learned for sure was that holding the shame was the greatest burden of all. That, even more than the betrayal, is what had kept me in bed from Friday to Monday.
I’ve since been betrayed by others, most often by disgruntled employees trying to gain an extra buck. But although it’s a kick in the gut, it doesn’t make me cry or take to my bed anymore. What I learned from that first betrayal is that when you have nothing to be ashamed of, when you know who you are and what you stand for, you stand in wisdom. Insight. Strength and protection. You stand in peace.
No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Isaiah Chapter 54:17.
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Carol Juergenson-Sheets, ACSW, LCSW—Life Coach
Betrayal happens to everyone at some point in his or her lives. Betrayal can occur with a spouse, a family member, a friend or a coworker. Most people who experienced betrayal saw the signs, but continued to give that person the benefit of the doubt.
The reality is that people will fail you—due to their own motivations, impulses, stupidities, and rivalries. Approximately 25% of all betrayal occurs with absolutely no forewarning. This is by far the most difficult type of betrayal because it leaves you shellshocked and devastated. However, in most cases of betrayal, there are warning signs that were ignored or minimized.
When you have been betrayed:
1. Handle it with integrity: It’s normal to want to retaliate. Don’t stoop to their level.
2. Assess the risk factors: Decide whether you’re going to rebuild trust or end the relationship.
3. Confront: Confrontation is a necessary step in growth. Although some theorists believe that you have the choice to say nothing and walk away, I believe that confrontation increases self-growth and may even assist you in breaking patterns if you fall prone to betrayal-type relationships.
4. Be clear and direct.
5. Set boundaries that keep you safe.
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About Dave Decker, MA
Dave is a licensed psychologist who is currently in private practice in St. Paul, Minnesota, where he provides domestic abuse and general mental health services for his clients.
Dave offer some thoughts on Betrayal and the Categories they appear in:
First of all, I must accept the reality that there are "hurting people" who hurt other people. Some of these people are generally angry and hostile. These are the HURTERS. It is inevitable that some people in emotional pain will intentionally or unintentionally hurt others. Second, some people do not want to work hard, so they take advantage of others. They will take what you give them, want more, and not offer anything in return.
(Let me just put my 2 cents here by adding to what Dave said. Sometimes when it comes to relationships you will find many people don’t want to do the work to go out and look for their “own life partner” to be with in a relationship. So, they have two choices (2) break up the relationship you have already established or try to take a new person you just met away from you, because they feel the person is their match. In other words, if the person is good for you, then it’s good for them). Just so you know people do this all the time due to, “Rivalry, Extreme Jealousy, Lack of Integrity, as well as no respect for values and ethics is usually at the root cause of this.” Dave said, they are the USERS. Third, many people lack honesty and integrity. Dave said, these are the BETRAYERS. And fourth, there are those who only accept you on their terms. These people try to shame you and try to control your behavior. They are the CONTROLLERS. Some people are combinations of the above. Some are all four.
Many HURTERS, USERS, BETRAYERS, and CONTROLLERS maintain denial about their behavior. Some cover their pain with addictive substances.
Dave said, what my father didn’t teach me is how to spot one of these.
Many people who are HURTERS, USERS, BETRAYERS, and CONTROLLERS pretend to be kind, innocent, and caring. They often initially offer support, listen, and show interest. Or they may appear delightful or charming. Eventually, they reveal their true selves through signs of selfishness and disrespect. {There you go blog readers, that is what I said in my last blog article—please see it below} I didn’t make that up, that is true what Dave said, but it is hard to detect. Dave says, it is important to be aware of the signs. What can you do if you see such signs?
You can confront the person about his or her behavior, and see if he or she is willing to own up to it, and then change it.
(Let me add my 2 cents here again by saying that based on my experience often times these people can’t or won’t change their behaviour and if you are in a relationship with anyone like this, I suggest you move on with your life, because they won’t change.) This is what I am leaving behind from a marriage of 17 years. These people will never change, never. They never, ever think anything is wrong with them, they always want you to change your behaviour to suit them, even though they are the ones with the problems that need fixing. Now that I have learnt from my past I know that what I have learnt have now “Empowered me as a Woman” to go on and live a much better, happier and more productive life.
You can set clear boundaries, limit time with abusive people, or leave them altogether.
It is important for me to acknowledge my own suffering but not to wallow in it. Dave said, I have been hurt by others, and that pain is real. I can grieve the losses I have experienced, and face the fact that my father was an imperfect role model. I wish people were more honest and kind, but some are not. As I become disillusioned with trustworthiness in general, I can still maintain trusting relationships with those I have learned to trust over the years.
Dave Decker Practicing psychologist http://www.angeresources.com/index.html
In Summary, the bible is very clear that “FAITHLESSNESS” is never God’s will! Indeed, the bible is a clear record that “faithlessness results in negative consequences. That is if we ignore that God truly exists, or ignore our faith and trust in God or we abandon or turn our back on our religion, we will end up on the wrong road to no where and this—"will have negative consequences for our lives.” In other words, it is important to always try to follow God’s rules for our lives, that is, we should all try to live up to his standards. No, God does not seek perfection because we can’t be like God. However, what God wants us to do essentially is to, always make “Fair, Just and Ethical decisions,” that improves the quality of your life and the lives of those around you. So, God wants you to believe in him. Believe that he is present in our lives always, believe that he is watching us all the time, and when we do things that are wrong we will be made accountable for our deeds. As well, to really without any doubt or reservations know that when God places us in a position where we have the ability to do what is “Right, Fair and Ethical,” that we will do so because we know in our hearts that we are not only acting on his behalf, but that we are a “Representation of who and what God and Jesus stands for.” This in turn creates “Light and Love and true happiness in our lives and it moves us closer to entering the “Gates of Heaven.”
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Stormie Omartian Prayer of the Day
www.stormieomartian.com
When You Need Hope and Joy in Your Heart
Lord, help me to be so strong in You that my hope never wavers. Help me to never lose hope, even when it seems You have not heard my prayers or things are not going the way I prayed they would. I trust You to answer my prayers in Your way and in Your time. Give me patience to wait on You in faith, knowing that You will not leave me where I am forever. I trust that when things change, they will change for the better. I have joy because my hope is in You.
I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more.
Psalm 71:14
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Featured Musicians of the Week: Denisse Lara & Mara Hruby
Denisse Lara, is 23 years old and was born in Pomona, California, is a pop/R&B/Latin singer who won the Spanish Star Search.
Postcard of Love to you: “Bright Eyes”
These two songs by Denise and Mara I dedicate to someone whom I love and miss dearly, “Bright Eyes” where ever you are these songs go out to you today….Enjoy
Newly Released August 4, 2011
Born and raised in Oakland, CA, Mara Hruby has 
observed and experienced enough for you to want to hear what she has to say. So lend your ear and close your eyes. Witness this Rose Bloom through Sound… …."We create within our own experience." To learn more about this upcoming artist or listen to more of her song visit her website here: http://marahruby.com/
I love this song from Mara because she does a great job of re-singing one of “Bob Marley’s” Greatest hits. Since I am Jamaican and I do love classic Reggae songs like these….Enjoy!
Love the Bakery scene in the video, reminds me so much of when I had my own Bakery a few years ago….memories
Love, Love Mary, Mary Gospel & R&B Singers and this new song they released in July, 2011. This song I dedicate to all the women out there including my mother who lives in Jamaica. If you managed to recover after the lost of a relationship, a betrayal, maybe you lost your job, or you lost your home, or you lost someone dear to you, or you have managed to recover from any of life challenges and ups and downs—this song goes out to you.
Can’t stop playing and dancing to this song…. WoW! Turn this up and enjoy.
